The God squad are on a recruitment drive. The editor of the Sydney Star Observer reported last week that she’d received a Jehovah’s Witness leaflet proclaiming ‘The End of False Religion’. She was lucky and got a pretty girl brandishing it at her front door – I just got the leaflet stuffed in the mailbox. I wonder if the timing could be anything to do with Halloween being just around the corner.

It got me thinking that perhaps Pagans should employ similar tactics to the Jehovah’s Witnesses and other Christians to tout their religion, especially to the gay market. Let’s weigh up what each has to offer. Christianity: no ‘immoral’ sex (ie no gay sex, sex for money, casual or promiscuous shagging); daggy outfits (long sleeves, high tops, A-line skirts and sensible shoes); and in the case of Jehovah’s Witnesses, if you get hit by a bus and need a blood transfusion, you’re screwed ’cos it’s not allowed.

Paganism (a broad term encompassing a range of traditions from Celtic nature religions to Wicca or modern witchcraft): consensual sex acts between adults celebrated (sometimes incorporated into magic rituals to initiate global peace); activities that include running into the sea under moonlight to purify and cleanse yourself – trust me when I tell you this isn’t much fun on a winter night in a coastal town in the British Isles but Sydney is made for this sort of frolicking; cool clothes (black is always a winner as it makes you look slim and that whole ‘goth’ aesthetic allows for liberal and creative application of make-up). Well, I know which one I’d choose, but then again I’m a die-hard radical queer, militant vegan, high-femme lipstick lesbian with a penchant for older women in glitter eyeshadow and big heels.

I’ve never understood the attraction of Christianity, nor the embracing of it by GLBTI folk. I mean, each to their own and all that, but why worship one male god who by all accounts is a moody old bugger with misogynistic and homophobic tendencies and hang-ups about sex, when you can revere all manner of deities, depending on where you’re at on a particular day? Kali the Dark Goddess, for example, has head-dresses and bling to rival Cher, so is a natural choice of icon for gay men, and her wild, uncontrollable nature ensures her appeal to most dykes.

And why get up early on a Sunday morning to go to church in your stylistically-challenged attire to belt out war-mongering hymns like ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’, and listen to lectures from uptight clerics about boring things like original sin, when you can have a lie-in and dance around naked in the evening, chanting ditties such as ‘We All Come From the Goddess’ and generally have a gay old time? Oh yeah – and you’re unlikely to get 5000 Pagans in steel-capped boots blockading the Mardi Gras Parade because they believe that GLBTI people are about to bring forth Sydney’s destruction, according to God’s law (as is planned by certain religious factions for next year's parade). Sold yet?

We can all find them, can’t we? Excuses I mean. If we’re grumpy to our girlfriend, it’s our hormones, not us. If we crash into the back of the car in front of us, it was the driver’s stupid fault for being in our way. If we take too much crystal meth and have unsafe sex, it’s all down to the drug, right? PMS, road rage, inebriation, even existential crisis of being – any old thing will do, so long as we don’t have to take responsibility for our actions.

The urge to blame someone or something else begins in childhood – the threat of punishment, whether it’s an adult shouting at you or a sound spanking (admittedly more likely to be a turn-on nowadays) instils fear and encourages the urge to deny one’s actions, even if they’ve been witnessed directly by your accuser.

At the age of eight I threw a bucket of water over my ‘best friend’ Julie Stokes who lived in the flat below me (lesbian melodrama with dominant/submissive overtones often begins early in life – I got away with tying her up, pulling down her pants and fingering her, all on the pretext that it was ‘practice’ for when she got a ‘boyfriend’ – girls are sooo easy!). Julie’s mother, ‘Auntie Maisy’, saw me through the window: ‘What did you do that for?’ she asked, incredulously. Bold as brass I replied: ‘I didn’t’. No amount of arguing on her part that she’d seen me, a drenched Julie wailing that I’d done it (she paid later, don’t worry) could convince me to own up to the deed, acknowledge that it wasn’t a very nice thing to do and accept that I deserved to be punished.

If I were old enough to have been able to think up a proper excuse for myself, I would have. Just like 46-year-old James Seaton did this week when he appeared in court in London, charged with sawing off his girlfriend Jacqueline Queen’s head while she was still alive because she told him she was a lesbian and was breaking up with him. His excuse? He was ‘too drunk at the time to be responsible for his actions’. Tch. There for the grace of God, eh?

These days I’m far more prepared with my ‘out’. If I come over all Winona and get caught slipping love balls and KY jelly into my bag without paying for them in a sex shop, I am not responsible for my actions – I did it because I suffer from GMSS – Gay Media Stress Syndrome. Having to come up with 500 words each week for my SX column, Keeping Abreast, as well as knocking out news and features while fending off queries from publicists who insist on ringing up on press day to enquire as to whether I ‘got the press release’ on a new brand of soap that’s pink and therefore ‘a great angle’ for gay readers invariably leads to occasional periods of temporary insanity. That’s my excuse, anyway.

While mainstream society seems to have embraced some elements of porn in the form of raunch culture: girls next door getting their tits out and making out in public and on camera for reality TV shows, a group of self-proclaimed “sex-positive horny feminists” have managed to shock and disgust mainstream pornographers with their new sex site, Erotic Red. “Before we even launched, adult industry types were quick to be repulsed at the entire concept of Erotic Red and referred to the site as ‘very disturbing’, ‘unacceptable’, ‘offensive’, and simply too ‘dangerous’,” says the site’s owner, indie pornographer Furry Girl. Even adult credit card billing companies, after they viewed the site, refused to take it on as a client and process its transactions.

You can’t blame them, really because what Erotic Red is doing is truly shocking and outside any acceptable limits of pornography or pop culture: menstruation porn. Yes, you read it right – women celebrating sex on the rag. Jeez, what’s up with these girls? What’s going on in their heads that they would want to foist such an obscene concept onto any right-thinking individual? Why can’t Furry Girl, and her cohorts like Bloody Trixie (who even has the audacity to run her own solo site featuring pictures of her masturbating in blood-soaked panties and revelling in smearing her body with her red fluids) be satisfied with the standard porn fare available? Don’t they check their spam emails properly? I mean, there’s ‘midget sex’, teenage girls getting spanked, ‘fat mommas raped in every orifice’, and of course an endless supply of silicone-enhanced Barbie dolls fucked in every hole before receiving a face full of cum.

And let’s not forget popular TV shows and films that glorify violence. If Erotic Red likes blood so much, why not stick with nice, safe material that meets with government approval? Like people bleeding to death from a knife or gunshot wound, or stories of serial killers cutting off a prostitute’s tits and mutilating her genitals – you know, all that inoffensive stuff that’s shoved in our faces every day.

But some girls just don’t know where to draw the line. Instead they feel compelled to subvert society’s consideration of women’s sexuality, instilling females with the positive message that their monthly flow isn’t dirty or something to be ashamed of but rather celebrated. It’s a disgrace. They don’t even use ‘proper’ models on the sites. These women in menstruation porn are of all ages, shapes, sizes and looks – some of them even have tattoos, piercings and large arses, for god’s sake. They’re seriously scary chicks. “Even with the knowledge that an obscenity prosecution could be just around the corner, I stand firm in believing that Erotic Red is an important site to open,” an emboldened Furry Girl proclaims. “We’re just happy to be making the radical statement that all women are lovely, powerful, sexual creatures EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.” Honestly – can you believe her front? What’s she trying to do - start a revolution?
www.eroticred.com

A Dream Dates survey by internet portal Lycos piqued my interest this week. According to the survey, most British men aren’t bothered if their female partners indulge in lesbian affairs. While 30 per cent found it “a bit odd”, 61 per cent said it is “not a problem”.

It would be nice to think that the 21st century has given rise to a whole new breed of enlightened blokes, who are totally cool and comfortable with women’s sexuality and no longer see lesbianism as a threat to their masculinity. But I suspect it’s more to do with the popularity of online porn involving two or more chicks and with the current trend of straight girls kissing or snogging other straight girls, not for their own pleasure, but to please…straight guys. Young women are more inclined to indulge in these faux Sapphic fumblings, with the trend happening mostly on college campuses and night-clubs. Any touching, sucking or poking of any sexual organs below the mouth, however, is strictly forbidden. “The impulse [to go further than kissing] is there, and some girls do it, but respectable girls who kiss girls don’t,” says ‘Julie’ in an article on the subject on Salon.com.

Whether this trend is a good or bad thing is hotly debated in the media. Some argue it’s an expression of girls’ sexuality and therefore valid and empowering. Others believe it degrades ‘real’ lesbians because of participants’ insistence that they are absolutely not gay, not even bisexual, as if gay or bi is something bad. All I know is, I wish this trend had been in place when I was in my teens. If my cousin Alan had asked me to snog a cute girl in my class to turn him on, instead of having to suck his face off at the end of our first (and last) date, I’d have been in my element. If Alison Stewart, the gorgeous blonde Debbie Harry lookalike in the sixth form had solicited me for a bit of lip action and dirty dancing in order to help her snare a lad she had her eye on, I would have been most happy to oblige – after all, that’s what sisterhood is all about, right?

And that’s the point the critics of girl-girl make-outs seem to be missing. All the analyses of how ‘degrading’ it might be for queer girls to see straight girls playing bi for male attention omit to point out that it’s the perfect opportunity for said queer girls to have a full-on lesbo snog with the straight girl crush of their dreams that they would otherwise have had no chance with and had to spend the summer mooning over their unrequited love and playing maudlin Karen Carpenter songs (or whoever the modern-day equivalent is). Most of us have had and will continue to have to spend even just a little time in the closet in our youth – at least nowadays some of the rewards are a lot more substantial.

With lesbians throwing themselves into the act of breeding like it's going out of fashion, I guess it had to happen: designer babies on demand. In the past, a section titled 'Pregnancy Help' in the classifieds section of a lesbian magazine wouldn't have existed. Now that it does and guys are offering up their sperm, they are also looking to ensure their 'product' (or should that be 'service'?) stands out from the rest. Like everything else, it's all about the marketing. No longer is it satisfactory for a sperm donor to be merely 'healthy' and happy to leave contact with any resulting kids up to the lesbian parents, additional attributes have become a selling point.

'Want clever kids?' asks one 'gay-friendly, Caucasian, creative' guy in this month's LOTL (Australia's national lesbian magazine). He's healthy (tested) and active, with the added bonus of being a 'professional' with a 'high IQ' and 'master degree' (I think he may mean Master's Degree, but then again, perhaps he is a BDSM connoisseur). No name is given, just an email address of brainy.baby@hotmail.com.

Now there's nothing wrong with wanting a brainy child, of course - the sooner it can wipe its own arse, clean up its vomit and change a plug, the better. And if the little runt grows up and gets an exceptionally well-paid job that keeps you in style in your old age, all well and good (although, political correctness aside, you could argue it might be better to opt for a pretty child in that case). But if GLBTI folk must breed, can we not be a bit more discerning than our heterosexual counterparts in the type of baby we require? If a clever child can be produced from someone with a high IQ, just think what bundle of joy will result from a sperm donor whose ad reads 'Screaming drag bitch, drug-fucked, creative, polyamorous pain whore, email babyinbondageandglitter@hotmail.com'. Or 'Want your child to be a green, scene queen? Ecologically aware, low-rent Abba fan can help. Email dancingvegandiscobaby@yahoo.com'.

Seriously folks, the straights are going to be busy seeking out donors who advertise themselves as 'clever', 'sensible', 'obedient' and all those other traits deemed by society as worthy and admirable. Whether we like it or not, this sort of eugenics mentality has arrived, so it's up to queers to get a little creative and ensure the most colourful among us don't become extinct. I can't see myself embracing motherhood anytime soon (even the $4000 from the government's Baby Bonus scheme won't tempt me - in fact, John Howard should be paying me $4000 for not having children and thereby not adding more pressure to the planet which is already vastly over-populated with humans), but for those of you who can't help yourselves, be picky with your donors. There are enough straight and straight-acting moral conservatives bringing forth their spawn - some of whom will, of course, turn out to be raging poofs or dykes in spite of their genes and upbringing (gotta love irony) - but it doesnât hurt to be proactive. Email fabulousfreakyqueerbabies@aol.com to register your interest.

In a previous post, I noted how researchers seem to have a field day studying all manner of phenomena and coming to various conclusions ranging from lesbians and bisexual women not hearing as well as our straight counterparts, to the number of brothers determining whether a man will likely be gay or not. Whether this sort of research of any great use and worthy of the finances and resources thrown at it is debatable, but hardly offensive. Not so the carryings-on at Oregon Health and Science University (OHSU) in the US, which is currently under fire from animal and gay rights activists as well as other scientific experts for its 'gay sheep' experiments.

According to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), OHSU is conducting multi-million dollar experiments, funded by US taxpayers, through 2008 in which vivisector Charles Roselli kills scores of sheep and cuts open their brains in an effort to 'cure' homosexuality in humans. By studying the brains of what he calls 'male oriented' (homosexual) rams, he hopes to be able to find the hormonal mechanisms behind gay tendencies so they can be changed. In other words, this crackpot is hoping to find a biological basis for homosexuality in humans by 'studying' sheep.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Can they not find a more worthwhile job? Like forging ahead with the creation of artificial sex partners and remote sex. American sex researcher, Julia Heiman (hehe), envisions a "multi-sensual experience of virtual sex" to be available before 2016. Teledildonics (remote control of electronic sex toys by computer), first conceived in the 1980s, is set to take off big time it seems, with the advent of modern technology such as broadband, streaming media, Bluetooth and mobile phones. A company called Sinulate Entertainment is at the forefront of the cybersex revolution, with its 'sinulator', a gadget containing a USB transmitter you plug into your computer, a receiver that powers any Sinulate-enabled toy and special software that allows you to control your lover's vibrator or dildo, even though they may be physically on the other side of the world. If you don't have a lover, don't worry: the helpful company has thought of that and offers the opportunity to "meet new people, join a community, or search [for] girls who want you to control their toy" at www.sinulatorcams.com. Well, if you're going to sit at a computer for several hours a day anyway, it sure as hell beats trawling through spam emails - the Sinulator retails at a mere USD $139.95 from www.sinulator.com.

As for the monsters at OHSU, feel free to send an email to Dr Ed Ray, president of Oregon State University, requesting that OHSU immediately stop the needless use and slaughter of animals in these experiments and instead use taxpayers' money for beneficial research that does not involve the use of animals or for funding a sexual diversity acceptance and tolerance initiative.

Email: ed.ray@oregonstate.edu